Not all days are good days and not all hours of the day go smoothly. There are occasions when its possible to slip into the “underworld”, and I don’t mean by listening to the classic hit of 1960’s recorded by The Herd. However, the somewhat monotonous background vocals to the track have the same ability to hold you in “that moment”, entrapping for its duration.
How you end up slipping into the gloom that surrounds you I have no idea, well not really. What I can say for my own part is that it virtually always happens when I am in a semi-sleep state, and normally when I am dosing as opposed to sleeping at night. I pretty much sleep for the duration of the night with little disturbance.
I do my best NOT to spend hours trying to analyse my mental state on such occasions, but its something that does occur and it would be stupid to ignore it.
I sat watch the Queens Funeral I was very conscious of my changing mental thoughts as the proceedings went on. You could argue that millions of people were impacted by the occasion, which would be correct of course. However, as the coffin appeared from The Palace, I couldn’t help but thinking of my own impending demise, and all the things that I was going to miss out on. A natural reaction to something physically happening to you that you can directly relate to yourself – so yes, I get that, and accept that it was a natural human reaction. But what are triggers when you are not fully awake?
I suppose that there are considerable number of feelings that you have that remain surprised in periods such as this. I have many people send me messages commenting on “my strength” in writing about my condition. I don’t consider myself “strong” in that way at all – it’s just that I have found writing allows me to express myself in a way that eliminates some of the stresses that exist. But surely it would be naïve to think that it’s the complete answer? So, I have come to the conclusion that its during the semi-conscious period of my life, when the normal suppression mechanisms that I have can control my emotional state are not fully “active”, that the vulnerability that probably exists in all of us comes to the forefront of our brains and starts controlling our human emotions.
Does any of this worry or concern me – well, no it doesn’t. I would probably be more concerned if I couldn’t express or talk about it openly. Which I can assure you I do – and will continue to. My occasional visits to the “underworld” are full of the same emotions that anyone would face in this situation, anger, sorrow, a sense of great loss and the fact that I am “missing out”. They are condensed into miniscule moments in time, they take you by surprise as if they are sat on the outside of your brain witing for the defensive barriers to tire – and then they slip in unnoticed.
It seemed a good idea at the time, I was feeling tired, the sun was shining through the bedroom window and the house was quiet, with Jayne downstairs relaxing. You could argue it was a perfectly executed plan by someone intent on disrupting my day. In reality it was normal human reaction to a set of circumstances beyond anyone’s control.
Dealing with an occasional trip to the underworld is something that happens and will probably continue to. The skill is to minimise its impact by not overthinking or worrying about it,
NOTE: Most of my blogs are written retrospectively, I remain stable and in a positive mood.